What Now?

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- What Now?

Post by ephraimanesti on Sun May 20, 2007 7:13 am

BROTHERS AND SISTER,

Feelings of emptiness have surfaced periodically over the last 2 years or so, accompanied by depression and i guess you could say spiritual impotency.

i have been an actual FUNCTIONING Christian for about 7 years, returning to my Lord after 35 years of so of wandering in darkness. Since my return, i have spent about the last 5 years reading and studying, just about 24/7, the Bible and everything thing else related to the Christian walk--i.e., what God expects of us as His children. i have read theology, spiritual psychology, lives of Saints, books on prayer, Church history, etc., etc., etc. This kept me busy and my mind occupied with trying to digest and utilize all the information which was pouring into my feeble little brain.

Lately--especially over the last year--i seem to have run out of steam in this regard, having a feeling that what i was reading was becoming repetitious and that i had perhaps learned everything possible out of books. (Lest this sound grandiose, i should state that i am a fairly fast reader and, in the last 7 years have probably read 300-400 books and been through the New Testament probably 15-20 times.)

i have said all that to say this--now that my mind is no longer wildly occupied with learning the nuts and bolts of the Faith, i am at a loss as to what the Lord would have me do as a Christian--it is like i am hanging out in Limbo with no direction down. i wish to serve the Lord--to put all i have learned and experience to His use--but i have no clue as to what He wants of me. This leads to the empty feeling alluded to above.

i heard someone state to someone somewhere that they "had gone too far for the world to use them, but not far enough for God to use them." That's kind of what it feels like to me now, and my mind being unoccupied, it tends to wander back into the past--under the promptings of the Evil One, i have no doubt--and dwells upon all the evil i have done and all the people i have hurt--especially all my children. It's not that i feel guilt as such--for i know that my sins are cleansed and i am forgiven for the past both by God and by my children whom i abused and victimized--it is more a feeling of deep painful regret for what might/should have been, and a re-experiencing of the pain i caused so many others through my sinfulness. These feeling, to me are the ultimate in "feeling empty" because i have done nothing worthwhile or Godly in God's service to take the place of the darkness of the past--something which can bring light into the present.

i don't really know where i am going with this rambling other than i found a blank spot and grabbed it. i guess my question might be--how do i discover what God wishs of me, if anything, or am i already doing as much as He can trust me with--getting up every morning and dealing with life as best i can as it unfolds before me when i arise?

i am 64 and, looking back, have contributed nothing positive to this world before or after my conversion. i find that kind of scary in view of the Scripture which states, "GOD WILL GIVE TO EACH PERSON ACCORDING TO WHAT HE HAS DONE."(Romands 2:6) My sins have indeed been forgiven and i have no doubts about being "saved"--or rather in the process thereof--but deeds done for God's glory are conspiciously absent. LORD HAVE MERCY!

IN CHRIST,
ephraim

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- Re: What Now?

Post by Christ is My Life! on Sun May 20, 2007 8:41 am

First off, Welcome Brother Ephraim!!!!!


Know what I think? Jut opinion, but I feel it deeply. I believe that now that you are educated....which many of us are not, that it is now time to sit in quiet to listen to the voice of God. That, sometimes is the hardest thing to do!!! Why? Because how does one know it is God, and not self or the devil!

Listen....heed and watch.


I feel extremely inadequate. I am a foreigner here, every corner has a church, most claim to be Christians, and most act holier than thou. I do my walk and work here, but I'm not satisfied....like...."Is this it? How can that please God?"

This site became by listening to His voice. And believe me...I don't have a clue what I am doing here! But all I care is that if it helps ONE person get closer to God, than I am happy.

For my examples are quite a few. The first time I HEEDED the voice, I was a non-believer....but a voice shouted at me....and I met my husband that way. Had I not heeded that voice...which literally had me stop dead in my tracks, I would have passed destiny. (A tough destiny....a challenging one...but so worth it!) (Had I passed it...this topic would not be here....oooh...food for thought!)

Maybe now, God is calling you to run for Him rather than only to Him. Does that make sense? With the world as it is, people as they are, He needs more quiet warriors battling for Him. And being a warrior is simple. It is walking outside of your front door, looking around, observing....and finding that person who needs help. No matter what kind of help it is. Praying for them. Loving them...giving to them and for them. And all you ever have to say if someone asks why...is simply...because God loves you! Nothing more...

Our walks with our Holy Trinity can be so utterly confusing, mind blowing, humbling, sometimes even terrifying because we must die to self. The devil loves using that against us. I truly feel that some people will have that easier walk compared to others and others will have a walk that makes them feel suicidal and crazy all the time because of the true yearning for Christ and the devil pulling out his lies.

It may be a time to begin to heal from your pain from guilt. To forgive yourself. To ask your childrens forgiveness as well. It's funny how we can treat strangers so well, and yet our own families, like they are scum. We get sick of seeing them daily. When I get to this point, I stop and dwell on what our Lord deals with daily and my mindset changes completely! Though it is difficult when no one sees eye to eye. Forgiveness is a massive key!!!!!!

As for your statement for "...not far enough for God to use you." Oh, there is nothing further from the truth! I have seen you on another forum. Your responses are wise, thoughtful and very informative! I am certain that you have helped in others healing!!!!!

The problem that we, as humans have, is that we want to see what we have done to help others....but often, we are not given that privalege...I would suppose to prevent pride from building! I truly believe that even one smile makes a difference. And God can use your kindness upon someone to imprint a life change into them. An example I would give is (This is made up, but somewhere this has happened!)

You are walking down the street and you see this young person looking really down, cold, on the verge of tears. Their eyes meet with yours, and you give a true heart felt, loving smile. they look at you strangely, and continue on. This is what You see.

...You stirred something inside them........You just prevented a suicide.

You were the angel God chosen for the moment. You disappeared from this persons life, but at the same time saved it by your genuine smile!

see my point?!


I was trying to educate myself in the word and books and one day as I was walking...God spoke to my heart and said..."-----, it is not the education that will please Me,There is too much confusion in learning... as much as the TRUE LOVE you have for Me....Love ME, share ME, Pass Me around to those who need Me in only the ways you can. I will educate you as long as you listen to ME."

Sometimes when we over educate ourselves, it becomes an avalanche and takes us away from the initial goal....Christ. So much out here now can lead us the wrong way, but boy does it look so right!

I hope this helps you!

Thank you for being here! You are an enormous blessing to us!!!!!!!!!!!
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- Re: What Now?

Post by ephraimanesti on Mon May 21, 2007 9:39 am

MY SISTER,

Greetings! Yes, you are absolutely right about studying, reading, and learning "about" can become an avalanche. Praise God that He pulled me up short before i was innundated!

On the other hand, i can see that perhaps all that "mental work" was perhaps necessary as part of the process of erasing all the negative programming i have brought upon myself through the life i led up until my Lord delivered me from it. EVERYTHING in my consciousness was 180 degrees away from reality and God's TRUTH so perhaps nothing less than what transpired would have done. (Yes, i know that God, in an instant could have erased my hard drive and re-programmed it, but i don't think He works that way very often--i think perhaps the struggle is necessary for us to appreciate the "payoff" adequately.)

Again, as i stated before, there is no "guilt" to be dealt with regarding the past--i have asked for, and received, forgiveness from God and from most of those i harmed. My feelings are just a deep sorrow over what i did, how much others suffered--and continue to suffer--from my sinful actions, and how things might have been had i not turned away from God at an early age and wandered off into the darkness.

Someone might say, "You need to forgive yourself." i think that, too, has been done. The feeling is not guilt--it is sorrow. i know that we must forgive ourselves, but i don't believe that we should forget--or even try to do so.

You are RIGHT ON when speaking of the difficulty in discerning God's Voice, from our own voice, or from that of the Evil One. This is a great source of concern to me given that i know only too well my propensity for self-delusion and heeding the voice of the adversary when he appears as an "angel of light." It is scary to look back at my life and see just exactly how much of it was lived in one kind of delusion or another. MAY GOD OPEN THE EYES OF MY HEART THAT i MAY SEE CLEARLY FROM HERE ON OUT!"

Yes, i came to the conclusion that, as you say, the process of serving God consists of opening the front door and dealing lovingly with what i find outside. Perhaps desires for "more" than this are just continued evidence of my grandiosity. i should know better in that one of my favorite Saints has always been Saint Therese--"The Little Flower"--whose primary teaching which she demonstrated with her life, what that in order to please God, we should focus on doing small things with great Love. MAY GOD GRANT THAT i MAY BEGIN DOING SO!

PEACE AND BLESSINGS TO YA,
ephraim

P.S. Where is the "Spell-Check" in this place?

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- Re: What Now?

Post by Christ is My Life! on Mon May 21, 2007 9:43 am

On the other hand, i can see that perhaps all that "mental work" was perhaps necessary as part of the process of erasing all the negative programming i have brought upon myself through the life i led up until my Lord delivered me from it. EVERYTHING in my consciousness was 180 degrees away from reality and God's TRUTH so perhaps nothing less than what transpired would have done. (Yes, i know that God, in an instant could have erased my hard drive and re-programmed it, but i don't think He works that way very often--i think perhaps the struggle is necessary for us to appreciate the "payoff" adequately.)


Oh yes, I agree with that. I think so many of us get so caught up in it all! And it is part of our walk and our search for the TRUTH!

It can be so overwhelming in the process, though, can't it?!?!?!

As for spell check.....You are right....WHERE IS IT??????
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- Re: What Now?

Post by ephraimanesti on Mon May 21, 2007 8:37 pm

Hi, Sis,

YES--it was indeed overwhelming at first. But as time progressed in my walk--or rather, my crawl--things seemed to sort themselves out into rather neat little categories which could be focused upon one-at-a-time rather than trying to demolish the old sinful structure all at once.

The core problem, however, remains although it has been cracked and chipped away at: PRIDE. This, of course, is the root of all my sins--and perhaps ALL sin--and from it have sprouted vainglory, vanity, judgmentalism, etc. This is still being worked on--and, i suspect, will continue to be struggled against until either our Lord returns or i return. Judgmentalism is the WORST. i HATE it and yet i wallow in it! LORD HAVE MERCY!

ephraim

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- Re: What Now?

Post by Christ is My Life! on Mon May 21, 2007 8:45 pm

\Pride is such a pain to deal with, isn't it. I am discovering, that within my family, I am so filled with it.....because they fight against every move I make...and what I thought was annoying rants, this morning, during quiet time, I heard pride. I was like...."Say what?!" lol. But as I really thought bout it, yes....that is exactly what it is. I have been humbled over and over and over and over.....you get the point....again in my life....so, now I think...what next? Will I even make it to meet my Lord with who I am.


It is truly a struggle that many refuse to understand. The false doctrine of all is hunky dory once you accept the Lord makes those of us who take that deep walk with the Lord, look like miserable human beings...but we are not. We love, we give, we battle, we smile...but we are meek and humbled and tired.


These are the points when we search for those like ourselves, to gather together in prayer....for where there are 2, there also is He!!! Amen for that! And praise our WONDERFUL LORD!

I think you are great! You are human and make mistakes, but it is obvious you LOVE the Lord with all your heart and soul! I think that is so extremely important! For without so much love, you wouldn't strive to be better than who you are!!!!! AMEN!
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- Re: What Now?

Post by nomoreracism on Wed May 23, 2007 3:06 am

Hello brother Ephraim,

Thank you so much for expressing your heart and seeking help and encouragement from all of us here and becoming a member of 'Uniting Christian' forums. Bless you brother for that.

I would like to offer you this wonderful biblical mp3 website with much insight. I know it will be a blessing to you.

Please Click (Biblical Mp3's)

Please feel free to listen to the many mp3's provided.

May you be tremendously blessed brother, from the top of your head to the soles of your feet.

Much love,
nomoreracism

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- Re: What Now?

Post by The Olive Tree on Wed May 23, 2007 11:29 am

You are 64 years old, and God is going to show you that you have learned nothing yet. You have contributed much just by returning from a backslidden stage. Now God can use you for all eternity. Get ready for a glorified body along with a restoration of the newness which is constant and ongoing in Christ. Lukewarmness must not overtake you. Continue to be patient and steadfast for you are almost there. I pray you buy some tracts from a local christian store and pass them out. For you are important in the body and your obedience to even one person can make a soul convert to its eternal and heavenly destiny. God bless you brother and King!

Love,
Brian
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- Re: What Now?

Post by ephraimanesti on Wed May 23, 2007 4:05 pm

Christ is My Life! wrote:Pride is such a pain to deal with, isn't it. I am discovering, that within my family, I am so filled with it.....because they fight against every move I make...and what I thought was annoying rants, this morning, during quiet time, I heard pride. I was like...."Say what?!" lol. But as I really thought bout it, yes....that is exactly what it is. I have been humbled over and over and over and over.....you get the point....again in my life....so, now I think...what next? Will I even make it to meet my Lord with who I am.
YES! The worst part is that i get humbled over and over and over . . . and it passes in a day or so and i am right back to the same old prideful arrogance. With me this prideful arrogance often masquerades as "righteous indignation" which adds sin upon sin by bringing judgmentalism to play in interactions with others--either non-believers or believers with different beliefs than mine--thus doing great harm to the Kingdom as opposed to building it up. It appears that the purpose of these rants is to build MYSELF up rather than building up the Kingdom--which show me how little progress i have made in dealing with this key issue in my walk.

Scripture shows clearly that humility is the key to the Kingdom and pride is the force which precludes admittance. Given that the days seem to me to be short, i have an increased urgency in dealing with this matter. One would think that a sense of urgency would speed progress, but it seems to have the opposite effect. LORD HAVE MERCY!

IN CHRIST,
ephraim

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- Re: What Now?

Post by Christ is My Life! on Wed May 23, 2007 4:14 pm

Well the major blessing for you in all of this is that you are aware and willing to share...which is seeking out help. THAT, in itself, is humbling....prayer...seeking that aid from our Lord.


I was once told...because I have a problem with patience. And things got really crazy for a while...my friend said...are you praying for patience? I said...Yes...she said...pray for something else! lol. She did notmean it literally...the point is, that when we seek help...His answer often comes in bombardments of situations that in the end after all that humbling, self dying, we gain the virtue we asked for...but it can be a process. I am so glad you are focused on this.

Pride is one so many need work on. To acknowledge it shows that you aren't as proud as yo may think....for if you were too proud....you wouldn't even mention pride as one of your faults....

BIG HUGS to you!!!! I have serious faith in you and that you, as one of God's precious children will grow in ways you will never imagine!!!!!!!!!
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- Re: What Now?

Post by nomoreracism on Wed May 23, 2007 6:21 pm

Morning hugsss to all!!

nmr

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- Re: What Now?

Post by Jesus Is Real on Thu May 24, 2007 1:10 am

ephraimanesti wrote:Hi, Sis,

YES--it was indeed overwhelming at first. But as time progressed in my walk--or rather, my crawl--things seemed to sort themselves out into rather neat little categories which could be focused upon one-at-a-time rather than trying to demolish the old sinful structure all at once.

The core problem, however, remains although it has been cracked and chipped away at: PRIDE. This, of course, is the root of all my sins--and perhaps ALL sin--and from it have sprouted vainglory, vanity, judgmentalism, etc. This is still being worked on--and, i suspect, will continue to be struggled against until either our Lord returns or i return. Judgmentalism is the WORST. i HATE it and yet i wallow in it! LORD HAVE MERCY!

ephraim
ephraimanesti ,

Hi there and welcome in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ!!!

Have you ever heard about Deliverance,......there is a way out of all that,....so that your life might then become a vessel of Love being poured out. Don't get me wrong, you'll always be crucify your flesh when it tries to get in the way but it won't consume your world as it has. There's more to see then your flesh nature,.....if you are being led by God's Spirit in putting it to death. You know friend?

Jesus Is Lord,
Connie

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- Re: What Now?

Post by ephraimanesti on Thu May 24, 2007 6:45 am

Jesus Is Real wrote:
ephraimanesti ,

Hi there and welcome in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ!!!

Have you ever heard about Deliverance,......there is a way out of all that,....so that your life might then become a vessel of Love being poured out. Don't get me wrong, you'll always be crucify your flesh when it tries to get in the way but it won't consume your world as it has. There's more to see then your flesh nature,.....if you are being led by God's Spirit in putting it to death. You know friend?

Jesus Is Lord,
Connie

MY DEAR SISTER,

Yes, of course i have heard of Deliverance--from a distance. Obviously, i have yet to experience it personally in this particular area of my walk. i have been Delivered, by the Grace of God, from my drinking and drugging, from my thievery, profanity, lack of Love, and in others areas as well. But Pride--THE BIGGIE--the deliverance from which would, i suppose, be the gift of Humility, eludes me (or, more probably, i elude it:confused: ).

You appear to speak from experience--care to share the Way?

IN CHRIST,
ephraim

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- Re: What Now?

Post by Christ is My Life! on Thu May 24, 2007 11:23 am


I have done something special for you on my blog in CF....I hope it will bless you! I send you cyber hugs from across the world to my loving brother in Christ!!!!!

It is titled Dedicated to a friend! There are a few there for you!!!!
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- Re: What Now?

Post by Jesus Is Real on Thu May 24, 2007 9:15 pm

ephraimanesti wrote:
Jesus Is Real wrote:
ephraimanesti ,

Hi there and welcome in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ!!!

Have you ever heard about Deliverance,......there is a way out of all that,....so that your life might then become a vessel of Love being poured out. Don't get me wrong, you'll always be crucify your flesh when it tries to get in the way but it won't consume your world as it has. There's more to see than your flesh nature,.....if you are being led by God's Spirit in putting it to death. You know friend?

Jesus Is Lord,
Connie

MY DEAR SISTER,

Yes, of course i have heard of Deliverance--from a distance. Obviously, i have yet to experience it personally in this particular area of my walk. i have been Delivered, by the Grace of God, from my drinking and drugging, from my thievery, profanity, lack of Love, and in others areas as well. But Pride--THE BIGGIE--the deliverance from which would, i suppose, be the gift of Humility, eludes me (or, more probably, i elude it:confused: ).

You appear to speak from experience--care to share the Way?

IN CHRIST,
ephraim

ephraimanesti,

Christ has been my experience but through Him He's also sent me good Teachers along the way. My Pastors - Milton and Joyce Green. Milton has graduated on to be with the Lord but he left some awesome teachings that has helped me so MUCH. And more.

In regards to God's Deliverance,...it's all in God's Word but it must be 'taught' correctly from the Full Counsel of God, so that we might grow up into Christ. 
That is what the REAL PASTOR does.
That is what the REAL EVANELIST does.
That is what the REAL PROPHET does.
That is what the REAL APOSTLE does.
That is what the REAL TEACHER does.
They perfect us in the Unity of the Faith so that we might grow up!

I'll begin a thread soon, that might help us all.
((Ok, here is that thread in this forum: http://unitingchristians.nice-theme.com/Spiritual-Warfare-c2/Spiritual-Attacks-f29/-p96.htm#96))

But I like your thread also and I will keep talking with you here.

Anyway......
There's things on you that's going to come off you as your listening to God's Word and your heart will be just repenting. Because the Word of God washes you as your believing and through His Spirit. To conform you and reconsile you back to God!!!

I'm still, in areas of my heart, being reconsiled to God myself. So that I might more and more be Perfected in His Kind of Love.

Peace.

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- Re: What Now?

Post by ephraimanesti on Thu May 31, 2007 2:17 pm

MY SISTER,

YES, what you describe--the stripping away of the old to provide space for the new--is my experience as well, although to me the stripping never seems complete or lasting--much activity but little progress. i "know" the "old man" has been crucified and buried, and yet he sure seems alive and well most of the time. As i think it was Watchman Nee who observed--i "know" the truth in my mind but i am unable to "reckon" it to be true in my heart.

i, too, have been blessed with wonderful teachers and i am, i think, a good "learner." However, i stumble when it comes to applying what i have learned.

GOD'S PEACE TO YA,
ephraim

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- Re: What Now?

Post by Christ is My Life! on Fri Jun 08, 2007 3:12 pm

ephraimanesti wrote:MY SISTER,

YES, what you describe--the stripping away of the old to provide space for the new--is my experience as well, although to me the stripping never seems complete or lasting--much activity but little progress. i "know" the "old man" has been crucified and buried, and yet he sure seems alive and well most of the time. As i think it was Watchman Nee who observed--i "know" the truth in my mind but i am unable to "reckon" it to be true in my heart.

i, too, have been blessed with wonderful teachers and i am, i think, a good "learner." However, i stumble when it comes to applying what i have learned.

GOD'S PEACE TO YA,
ephraim


This is part of the walk....and the part that brings humility. I am at a point now...where everything I do, I begin to question...If He were to show up, right this second....should I be doing this? Or behaving this way? So, I stop the negative, laziness, whatever it is, and get more focused...but that in itself is an enormous process!!!! And it is dying to self that makes us alive IN Him! And the dying part....wow....it sure is HARD!!! Yet when HE takes over...you don't even realize how much you've changed until you sit down and look back and say...WOW.....Look what He did! And look who I have become....and look at what I still battle....We ourselves can't do it on our own...that is for sure!
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- Re: What Now?

Post by Christ is My Life! on Fri Jun 08, 2007 3:12 pm

The member Christ is My Life! has done the following action : Roll dices

3 times
Results :
     
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- Re: What Now?

Post by Christ is My Life! on Fri Jun 08, 2007 3:13 pm

I am trying to figure out why we roll the dice.....hmmmmm
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- Re: What Now?

Post by everlastinglife on Sat Jun 09, 2007 3:16 pm

lol, me too

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- Re: What Now?

Post by Christ is My Life! on Mon Jun 18, 2007 9:57 pm

Checking up on ya Ephraim! Haven't seen you anywhere lately so I pray you are ok!!!!!!!!

God Bless!!!!! And Filakia!
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Christ is My Life!
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